Week 1 - Vacation Bible School in the Bronx, NYC
Week 2 - News Release Basketball Camp in Lorrach, GER
Week 3 - Black Forest Academy (southwestern Germany)
Week 4 - Nice, FR, Southern Europe
Week 5 - Southern Europe, Tokyo
Week 6 - Tokyo, Hong Kong
Week 7 - Los Angeles
Chapter 2
"If I knew then what I know now,
condemnation would've had no power
My joy, my pain, would have never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would've not been hard to figure out
What I would've changed if I had heard
Dear younger me,
It's not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross..."
(Dear Younger Me by Mercy Me)
I have tried to write a post during my time in Lörrach that conveyed the "in the moment" feeling and every time I was overwhelmed with emotions too hard to express in coherent thought. A little editorial pep talk and looking back to post on an emotionally packed last week worked well. I know though that if I don't take a moment to Feel right now, I will regret it. So from my room in my lovely host family home in the small village of Holzen (about a 15 minute drive from Lörrach), I will try to put into words how this week went internally.
My heart broke multiple times this week.
I laughed and smiled and danced this week.
Tough conversations, tough questions, tough moments were felt to my core this week.
Over and over again each day I saw glimpses of the hope, joy, and redemption we find through faith in our Creator God that gives us worth, purpose, and life.
From early morning "Guten morgen!"s to evening laughter around the dinner table, I was overwhelmed by the power and gift found in being Loved Well.
"How can God love me when I don't even love myself?"
"Is homosexuality a sin?"
"Why are God and Jesus both referred to as male?"
"Should I continue to date my boyfriend even though he is not a believer?"
"What if being involved in sport means I cannot love my family? I feel like I must choose between one and the other."
"My parents recently divorced and even though the paperwork isn't finished, my dad is getting remarried. Do I go to the wedding?"
"I understand Miriam, but it's still so hard when I go back home and try to remember my value doesn't come from what others say or think about me."
"Miriam! Why don't you cry?? What could even make you cry? You are so strong!"
Ooftuh. It is my privilege, joy, and honor to find myself in intense conversations with young and old alike. A privilege...And a responsibility. To be flippant, Ma and Pa I think I need to get another degree, this time in actual counseling. How do I listen, process, sometimes offer to help, other times just hold the person's hand and say you are loved/I am so sorry/I do not have the answer for you and I do not know where to look at this moment, and do so in a way that is aware and protective of the delicacy and immeasurable worth of being the recipient of someone's trust and raw emotion?
My own struggles, questions, obstacles came forth within these moments of trust too. How do I allow others to speak into my life, to help comfort, advise, and encourage me so that I may grow in wisdom, character, and maturity?
The answer to both? Practice. And Good Lord this week I was hyperaware of the intensive training opportunities I have been given. Most intensely is the Responsibility I feel to...well...I think the best phrase I can use to explain it is "love well". I have not perfected this lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been the recipient of the life giving consequences of it.
When my birthmom chose life and hope for me and fought for me by searching for loving parents, she Loved Well. When my parents battled for my brother with all of their being, they Loved Well. When they forgave the driver of the car in which David died, they Loved Well. When one of my coaches literally wiped the tears from my face, she Loved Well. When my teammates tackle hug each other every time we come together, we Love Well. When these kids comfort each other in their sadness, they Love Well. When the precious little ones who don't even understand my words (nor I theirs) look me in the eyes and smile so big and reach out to hold my hand, they Love oh so incredibly Well.
When Jesus took our place and died on the cross for my sin, your sin, our sin...He Loved Well. When he rose again and gave us hope and victory over death and the shadowlands of this world, He Loved Well. When he gives good gifts, even when we may not see it or understand it at the time, He Loves Well.
I don't have a counseling degree, I don't have all of the answers, I may not be able to match your tears with my own right in this moment, but I can look you in the eye, hold your hand, and say from the bottom of my heart, "You Are Loved". And it's not the fallible imperfect sometimes hurtful love that comes from this world, but a love surpassing all understanding.
So keep fighting. Love others with everything you have because you are held steady. In Him you find your value and your worth that depends not on yourself but on who you are to your Savior.
I hope that those whom we came into contact with this week received one overwhelming feeling. For I definitely received it from them. Who am I?
Loved.
M
Ps. "What could make you cry??" Ah my friend, losing you, losing loved ones, losing the hope of shared memories together...that's what instantly draws tears. But here? With you or you or you beside me? When I can listen and give open arms for a hug and wipe away a tear...in those instances I am deeply thankful to be right where I am in that moment. When I leave I have learned I must make a decision to trust our Heavenly Father, who loves you far more and better than I, to hold you safely in his hands. This is tough and there will be a time my friend when my tears will come too.
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